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Resin Flowers

I've been given flowers maybe twice in my life. Once on my birthday last year (which was a very good day with lots of things that made me cry) and then by a friend on Friday. The latter was primarily a peace offering and part of what was probably the first truly sincere apology I have ever received from a man in my entire adult life.

It had been shocking to hear Z. yell. He's one of my favorites at work, and does anything you ask him without complaining or getting upset. He's one of those people whose eyes radiate kindness and who is always so very gentle and patient. I think that's part of why it startled me so much when he exploded. I had no idea what prompted it and the instant it happened, a familiar panic welled up inside me and I went numb, feeling myself shut down and disconnect. I didn't even know Z could yell, and had no idea why his wrath was directed at me. Even though I ended up rationalizing it and keeping my composure until I made it home, it scared me; once again, I found myself questioning everything around me and doubting my safety, then I cried most of the night. Were all men who seemed good on the outside secretly like this? Were they all just actors who liked to hurt and control? But surely not Z. I trusted him with my life. Z, was -IS- good. Something had to be going on with him, and it probably wasn't anything I did at all. Or was it?

I haven't been that upset for a while, and have been doing so good. Even as it was happening I knew I was likely overreacting from trauma, which in a way helped me keep my indifferent, jolly facade up the rest of the day, but which also simultaneously upset me more. PTSD sucks and every time I start to hope that I'll be free from it someday, something happens to pull me back into the hellish grave my abuser dug for me, and I cried for over an hour when I was finally alone and felt safe.

I decided I would make it a point to avoid Z. the next morning, but he stopped me before I got far and apologized- not with any defense, gaslighting, false remorse or justification, just sincerity and what appeared to be very heartfelt, genuine concern, and a hug that put all my worries and worst fears to rest. I cannot begin to describe the relief I felt. The apology would have been more than enough for me, but later that day, flowers also materialized on my desk with this note. Nothing over the top, but enough to know he really meant it.

I think it worried all of my boys a bit and I wonder if they said something, because his brother, J, also left a piece of chocolate on my keyboard and everyone seemed extra kind and soft-spoken the next day, almost the same way people do after a you've been to a funeral or had a serious health scare. They all know, of course, which I think is part of it, but it felt good to know they all care and were worried. They're good dudes.

I let my flowers sit on top of the fridge where I could enjoy them but the kitties can't eat them for a few days, then decided that I'm going to try drying them for a resin project. A few months ago I rescued a table from the dumpster, but it's missing the glass for the top. I was going to use butterflies and keep it all clear, but now I think I'll put Z's flowers in too, on a black base, then add the flowers and butterflies on top. I've been using the back rooms after hours for my projects, and I think Z. would be tickled to see it.

I've never tried using them before, but I buried my flowers in airtight containers filled with WiseDry, which will hopefully have dehydrated them by the time I get back from Wheatland. The big white sunflower is pretty chunky so I might leave it buried for longer- maybe a month or so to get all the moisture out. Hopefully it works and won't mold or fall apart especially since these flowers are special. But then again, it's better to try than to just let them wilt.

I'll be updating my posts next month to show how it goes and if it works. Hopefully it turns out well and no spiders find their way into my project this time! I'm still not over that.....


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