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A Pocket Archive (7)

8:27.



13 and a half hours.


It's been this way for a year now. My head aches and my hoodie feels a little damp still from the rain earlier. Or maybe it's sweat from running around so much. I don't know which. I'm exhausted, and can't wait to go home and shower. That's my pattern now- get up, get dressed, go to work, stay late. Text or call my mom, say hi to my gabby girl, shower. Study for the LSAT, write, and hang out with friends when there's time. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Then crawl into bed, rinse and repeat.


I'm so tired.


My phone pings- it's one of my friends I haven't seen for a while. I just can't hang out tonight. It's nice having so many good people around me and never having to feel lonely, but I need to sleep. And tomorrow I'll do it all over again. It's demanding, but in some ways, I think this job is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm wildly unqualified for it, and yet, I'm surprisingly good at it. It was definitely an answer to a lot of oddly specific prayers and made me realize that even with all the mess that comes with everything I've had to go through, I'm adaptable and still more than capable of doing anything that I want. For the first time in nearly a decade, I genuinely feel comfortable with myself and my abilities. The monster successfully beat so much of that out of me and robbed me of more than just my choice and a tooth, but I'm becoming my old self again, and in time, I know I'll heal from what happened, even if I don't know what "healed" will look like. While it often doesn't feel like it, God's been with me, slowly building me up again and making me stronger, braver, and more capable than I have considered myself to be in nearly a decade, and no matter how scary it is, I know He hears me and will give me whatever I need. I can't undo what was done to me and the other(s), but the second I am done with law school, I will do everything I can to use what happened to me for the greater good.


Faith isn't easy. Faith hurts. It's scary and hard, especially when we are hurt and see evil go unchecked, feel abandoned, and know we can't hold on. There's a reason Jesus prayed Psalm 22 while He was dying. He knows what happened and understands all the hurts. But God cannot lie, and He will keep His promises. Eventually, the pendulum will swing back. It may not be in this lifetime, but He knows and He will handle it. Forgive your enemies and don't worry. We all reap what we sow in the end. You are not responsible for their poor choices and their deeds do not go unseen by your Heavenly Father, who will repay them in full. He won't forget who hurt you, or what they did.


Just hang on  little longer. If you understand pain, help those who are hurting. The world needs more empathy and kindness. And no matter what, know that you are loved, you are never alone, and all things work for the good of those who love Him.


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