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A pocket Archive (10)

I wonder how the tape held up on the highway.

Andrei has been feistier than usual and grump at work, so I printed out a picture of the girl from The Ring and taped it under the backup camera on his car. I don't know that he would have thrown the car into reverse on his way home. He takes K-10, so the flimsy computer paper likely ripped off on the way.

I hope not- I've been cackling every time I think about it.

I'm glad I'm off today, so hopefully I can sleep enough to power through this cold. I've been sleeping better lately, probably in part because I'm under the weather, but I'm also just happier recently. My dreams are strange though. They're starting to be lucid again. Not the way the new-age internet gurus tell you they ought to be, but I can navigate them once more, even the troubling ones.

I don't know if the nightmares are gone exactly, or if they just don't scare me as much now. Evil likes to stomp its feet and bark, but deep down, it's just a weak, sniveling little thing that hides behind flimsy facades of grandeur that eventually fall. It can do a good deal of harm before that happens, of course, but once you take away its shields, it's just an ugly, pathetic thing that you almost have to laugh at. Like an inbred chihuahua with bulging, unfocused eyes- the kind that shivers and drools or wets itself on the carpet every time a floorboard creaks or it gets excited. It kinda makes me think of the aliens from Men In Black (not to hate on the Arquillians), but far less lovable; people like that may put on a good show and have remarkably believable people suits, but they're still just weak, ugly little monsters, hiding behind whatever shields they can grab.

I still get sad when I think about it and how I didn't see through it for so long, but I do now, and at least I'm safe. I also know what real love and friendship is, and that's something that that cowardly, pathetic little monster will never experience or understand. When you fictionalize your entire life and exist solely to manipulate and feed off of others, you'll also end up hurting everyone who could ever have loved you. No lie lasts forever. I don't pity the monster- in fact I feel very little when I think about them little beyond disgust and stoic bewilderment, though I do take some satisfaction in knowing that eventually, their evil deeds will come to light and their own lying tongue will likely be the noose that hangs them. I do, however, pity everyone around them, and I pray for those people a lot.

I am very grateful to have escaped the life I might have had, and that I have much better people around me now, even though it took getting hurt very, very badly to see through the smoke and mirrors. I'm glad I kept diaries and left myself a paper trail to follow once I was free from the abuse. It is incredibly difficult accepting that some people genuinely want to hurt others, especially when they assure you of the opposite and you tend to see the good in everyone, but it's better to know than to live in dangerous ignorance. And I finally have a career path and calling that I genuinely care about and think I will be very good at.

I don't worry much these days, all things considered. It's true that I don't know how my story will end, but as I was reminded yesterday, we have the final victory. The devil can rage and storm all he wants, but he's on his way to a fiery destination to face all the evil he's ever caused, and the same goes for all his children. And it's 100% their choice. All that ferocious snarling will instantly transform into whimpers of fear when they're alone with all their deeds, but they'll still have the memory of goodness, comfort and beauty, and the full knowledge that it's their fault and choices that landed them in Paradise Lost. And it will be the loneliest, most painful existence imaginable.

Don't be afraid of those that can harm the body but cannot harm the soul. It's okay to get angry and flip tables (and honestly, you should), but don't waste your energy worrying about things beyond your control. Give it to God. If you sow the wind, you reap the storm, and abusers, liars, and rapists will get what's coming to them, as all evil people do. We are promised that He will take care of that. The best thing you can do in the meantime is enjoy the life you have, focus on silver linings, do what you can to help and protect and help others, and don't let it rule your life. PTSD and trauma never fully disappear, but they do get better. You are still beautiful and worthy of love and happiness. It's never too late to find a new dream, so don't let them take that from you. Try to be content with the blessings you have, and never let gross, inbred little chihuahuas rob you of your joy, your spark, or your sense of humor.

"Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it."

-Lucy Maud Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables


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